Why Are We Afraid of Real Relationships?
Learn how to break free from emotional barriers and build real, lasting connections in the age of casual dating.
Last week, I asked about your biggest challenges, and the response was overwhelming. Among hundreds of replies, one theme kept coming up: relationships and emotional struggles. Many of you shared stories about "situationships," fear of commitment, and difficulty forming real connections.
I get it. This year alone, I've been in two "situationships" - those almost-relationships that never quite become real. Each time, the pattern was the same: things would start great, but as soon as real feelings developed, I'd find ways to keep emotional distance. Sound familiar?
Your messages showed me that many of us are dealing with the same challenges:
"I keep picking unavailable people..."
"Every time things get serious, I find reasons to run..."
"I want a real connection but I'm terrified of getting hurt..."
There's this quote from Epictetus that I keep coming back to:
"Keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best."
When I look at my own recent relationships, I realize how often I've done the exact opposite - choosing connections that keep me comfortable rather than ones that challenge me to grow.
So today, let's talk about why we do this and, more importantly, how to stop. Just real talk about why we struggle to form deep connections and what we can actually do about it.
The Reality of Modern Dating
Ask anyone about their dating life today, and you'll likely hear a mix of frustration, confusion, and resignation. Despite having endless ways to connect, authentic relationships feel more elusive than ever.
Your messages last week painted a clear picture: Many of us are stuck in a cycle of almost-relationships. We match, we text, we "hang out," and we keep things casual. These situationships offer just enough connection to feel less lonely, but not enough vulnerability to risk real hurt. They're like emotional fast food - quick, convenient, but ultimately unsatisfying.
Recent research shows that this isn't just in our heads. A 2023 study found that while 70% of young adults have been in situationships, over 80% report feeling unfulfilled. Every time we settle for these surface-level connections, we miss an opportunity to develop real relationship skills. Instead, we're becoming experts at keeping people at arm's length…
Breaking the Cycle
The path to real connection isn't complicated, but it does require courage. We need to start being honest - with ourselves and others - about what we want. Many readers shared that they pretend to be okay with casual relationships when they really want something more meaningful. This mismatch between what we want and what we accept is the root of much of our frustration.
But knowing what we need to do and actually doing it are two different things. When we try to break these patterns, we often face anxiety and fear. This is where Stoicism offers us powerful tools for managing these emotions.
The Stoic Path to Authentic Connection
Think about the last time you felt anxious about a relationship. Maybe they didn't text back quickly enough, or you noticed they seemed distant. Your mind probably started racing with possibilities, creating stories and worst-case scenarios. This is where Stoicism becomes particularly powerful.
Epictetus, who understood human nature deeply, taught us:
"The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control."
In relationships, this means:
We can't control if someone chooses to stay
We can't control their feelings or actions
We can't control the outcome of any relationship
But here's what we can control:
How honestly we express ourselves
The boundaries we set
Our responses to uncertainty
The meaning we give to situations
When you feel that familiar anxiety creeping in, pause and ask yourself: "What part of this situation is actually under my control?" This simple question can bring immediate clarity and calm.
Remember Amor Fati - love whatever happens. Each relationship, whether it lasts or ends, teaches us something valuable about ourselves. Every heartbreak, every moment of vulnerability, every fear we face - they're all opportunities for growth.
A New Approach to Dating
Now that we understand how to manage our emotions better, let's turn this Stoic wisdom into action. Instead of focusing on keeping things casual, what if we focused on keeping things real? This doesn't mean rushing into serious relationships or pressuring every date to become something more. It means being authentic from the start - something the Stoics valued above all else.
Start with simple changes. Replace "hanging out" with actual dates. Have real conversations instead of endless texting. Be clear about your intentions early on. When you feel something, say something. These small shifts in behavior can lead to dramatically different outcomes.
The Two-Month Challenge
Here's a practical way to break the cycle: Give potential relationships a fair two-month trial. No running at the first sign of feelings, no nitpicking flaws. Just honest effort for two months. This timeframe is long enough to develop real connection but short enough to feel manageable.
During these two months, focus on:
Having real conversations beyond small talk
Expressing feelings as they develop
Addressing concerns directly instead of pulling away
Getting to know the person rather than projecting your fears
How has your dating experience been? Have you struggled with situationships or finding real connection? Share your thoughts with me, I’d love to hear your story.
📝 Today's Gameplan
Decide What You Want: Write down exactly what you want in a relationship—no fluff, just the basics.
Spot Your Habits: Notice when you start to pull away or shut down with someone. Ask yourself why.
Challenge Your Defaults: If you’re always nitpicking or finding excuses to keep things casual, stop and ask why.
Keep It Up: Stick to small, straightforward actions that align with what you actually want.
The truth is, real connection isn't something that just happens to us - it's something we create through consistent small choices. Each time we choose honesty over avoidance, vulnerability over protection, and authenticity over convenience, we move closer to the connections we truly want.
Start today. Take one small step toward being more authentic in your relationships. Because while casual might feel safer, real is what truly satisfies.
Stay stoic,
Twitter: @StoicWisdoms
Related posts:
Memento Mori: Why Thinking About Death Makes Life Better
8 Must-Read Books on Stoicism for Personal Growth
The Effects of Screen Time: Stress, FOMO, and Mental Fatigue
How to Take Action When You Don't Feel Like It
To add to this, I think it’s important to recognise that in order to enjoy a relationship, you need to have a clear idea of what you want in life.
That there is the real challenge- people don’t know what they actually want in life, in friends, in careers etc.
It’s most likely why influencers earn so much money. Most people’s decisions are based on what their friends have.
I think people should spend time on getting to know themselves first.
Understanding clearly their likes, dislikes, their boundaries, their non-negotiables etc.
They will then have a better idea of what they want in their partner, so they can then focus on fulfilling each others happiness
Great article.
Thank you for staring your thoughts 😇
I wish I had known this when I was much younger and dating. Engaged twice, but never married and actually it was a good thing because it wasn't with the right people and honestly, I wasn't right for them either. It was more about... well you know.
Being in my early 60s now, and not even looking for this type of companionship or anything at this type level I think it also can be applied to all relationships- especially family and friends.
Family is always the hardest but open communication and understanding each other's point of view helps. With friendships- it is those expectations. I want honesty, even if it hurts (doesn't iron sharpen iron?). I want loyalty and respect. these are the absolute same things that I give.
I think in the other relationships, the more intimate ones, what I see this day and age is commitment. I'm not saying there aren't other issues they're definitely are but to me if someone's committed, then a lot of the other falls into place or it should naturally in my opinion.
Well, since this is more of a dating article, I'll stop there, but I do think it applies to all relationships and wish I had known it 40 something years ago! 🤔